Unsolicited Advice For Aries

April 5, 2019

Hey, what’s up, how’s it going?

Good! Good! Well… I noticed that you needed some advice.

You didn’t? But—

Who doesn’t need advice?!

I don’t care. You’re getting it anyways.

It’s really good, I swear!

Rule number one: Don’t swear.

Stay away from the color orange. I mean, look at it!

How can a color be safe if nothing rhymes with it?

Stop talking over people or you’ll miss something important they say.

Could you imagine if someone had said, “My grandmother just died from a pigeon attack last weekend and we buried her in her favorite orange dress.”

And then you proceeded to talk about your distrust of the color orange.

Responsibility, my dear Aries.

It’s up to you to prevent conversational forest fires.

Do everything in patterns of 7 because 7 is a lucky number! Probably.

Except sneezing; that would be really annoying.

Don’t be scared of bold clothing.

Everything you say and do is pretty bold and out there so why not your clothing?

You know what?

The day after you read this I want you to show up to work/school wearing a cowboy hat!

With rhinestones.

NO.

Pigeon feathers...

(RIP grandma, you will be missed…)

Try not to frown!

Turn that frown upside down or your happiness will spill right out.

Because fake it til you make it, am I right?

No? Ok. Do you like cats?

What kind of monster are you that you don’t like a poor innocent fluffy creature with razor sharp talons and a tendency to scratch people all the ti—

Never mind. I see your point…

Anyway find a cat and pet it. Don’t have a cat nearby? That’s A-OK!

If you close your eyes and pet the back of someone’s head it kind of feels the same.

Especially if you don’t tell them you will beforehand because they will probably scratch you.

WHO WANTS ICE CREAM?! DO YOU WANT ICE CREAM?!

WELL? DO YOU?

Wrong answer! (If you said yes. If not, good job.) You shouldn’t, because giving in to temptation will lead to a life controlled by your subconscious desires.

Quick! Think about your favorite body part.

Never mind, I thought you would say that…

What kind of weirdo is like, “Oh, I love spines.”

I forgot I was supposed to be giving advice, so uh…

Be yourself, I guess.

Oh and last thing, don’t listen to any advice I give you.

 

 Image from Astrology Bay.

 

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